What I have noticed over the course of 6 years of marriage is that how you fight is the life and breath of a relationship. Let's be honest, EVERY couple fights or has disagreements. If you don't, then someone in the relationship is not being themselves. As a result, it can lead to one spouse always giving in to the other spouse, which they will eventually have enough of that and blow up one-day.
Since we know we all fight...then how to do fight in a way that won't be damaging to the relationship? Well here are some of the tips I have learned from books and or learning the hard way.
- Don't say YOU, always say I or me. Example, "You always do this" Instead say "When this happens, it makes me feel____". By approaching things this way, it will allow your spouse an opportunity to respond instead of feeling attacked. Men typically will shut down when they feel attacked. If you want your husband to respond to you and engage in the conversation, then make sure you are using your words wisely.
-Try to stop and think for a second... is this fight really worth jeopardizing the health of our relationship? Half the time we fight because we get emotionally charged about something. If we would take a second to really think about what we are fighting about, we would realize maybe it is just best to let it go. Being right is not always what is right for the relationship.
-Watch the tone in your voice. It is hard for the fight to turn into yelling if one spouse stays calm. If you start to raise your voice then your spouse will counter that by raising their voice even higher. Before long, you both won't be able to hear what you are even saying. Yelling turns into anger and anger turns into things being said that you don't mean. Once this happens, it can be VERY dangerous for the relationship. It is best to try and stay calm and talk about how you feel instead of yell it. It's not what you say, it's how you say it.
It all comes down to taking the emotion out of the moment and trying to think logical about the situation (instead of acting out based on how we feel). I know that is hard to do sometimes but it is like anything else, if we practice a lot at it then eventually we will become better at it. That logical reaction will become more of our forefront thought in the heat of the moment.
Just remember, the goal of our relationships is to grow closer together not apart. So everything you do either brings you one step closer or one step further apart.
